Paradise Lost
by morgana-avalon
Summary: Sequel to Because I love you. Loki faces the destruction he created at Jotunheim and returns home.


Title: Paradise Lost

Author: Morgana  
Author's Email: morganalebeau  
Pairing: Loki/Thor

Rating: R

Summary: The Frost Giants have need of a king. Will Loki answer that call?

Disclaimer: Not mine. No copyright infringement is intended. All mistakes are mine.

_Paradise Lost_

Prologue

Looking out over these deserted lands, I recall a time when all was well. A time when a comforting blanket of golden snow covered these grounds, and not the hard, unyielding layer of ice that encases it these days. I remember a time when snow foxes, ice butterflies, and frosted fish adorned my world. A time when children's feet sounded in these deserted halls. Their sharp but joyful laughter would bounce off the white walls and fill the rooms with a special kind of warmth.

I remember a time – long past – when the Frost Giants were a peaceful race. They would tend to their cold world, which thanked them with bestowing many wonders on them. The magnificent Ice dragons of old have long left this world or maybe they are merely asleep, locked away at the core of our accursed world. I saw one of the majestic creatures when I was a child, but I have not laid eyes upon them in three millennia. I still mourn the loss.

Our world is dying. Jotunheim has been withering away for many centuries. Our lives darkened the day Laufey ascended to the throne. Driven by a need to possess other worlds besides ours, he attacked races much weaker than ours, which were defenseless. Some of us tried to stop of him, but as he possessed the Heart of Ice, we stood no chance. I tried to defy him as well, and because of that failed attempted, suffered horrible punishment. But Laufey is dead; Loki, his son, killed him, and by doing that, he opened a door which had been locked for many years.

Now that a door of opportunity has been opened, I should make good use of the moment and act upon it. The number of my race is dwindling and I fear we might not survive another century. Laufey is to blame for that. As his mind had been set on war, he had put a binding spell on all females, locking them away deep beneath the ice. Only a king can disperse such a spell, and since we are without a ruler, it is time we find ourselves a new king. We need children to strengthen our race. We need Jotunheim to be restored to its old splendor. We need a champion, and there is only one Frost Giant, whose birthright entitles him to sit on Jotumheim's throne.

Loki, King of Asgard, is Laufey's firstborn, and therefore the legitimate heir to the throne. And I, Leify, must find a way to make Loki accept his destiny.

TBC

Part 1

Cariad opens his eyes and looks at me. His blue eyes start to show specks of green and I wonder what color will persevere in the end. Will Thor's legacy or mine shape our son's eyes? Cariad chuckles in his very special way and reaches for my hair, delighting at pulling it. "Behave," I tell him, but I can't be angry with him. Lying all sprawled across my chest and burying his face against my shoulder, my son attempts to hug me, but ends up merely getting his fingers entangled with my hair. "That's not behaving," I tell him, but again, the timbre of my voice betrays me.

"He is rather possessive of you…" Thor quips next to me.

I turn my head, as much as Cariad's hold allows, and look at my mate. Thor is on his side, watching me, and doubtlessly enjoying seeing me in this situation. "Reminds you of someone?" I quip in turn, enjoying our little bantering. I will never grow tired of teasing my lover.

"Like father, like son," Thor chuckles, not in the least embarrassed. "Aye, I am also possessive of you… Loki, you are my life… Can you blame me for wanting you close and safe?"

Ever since Thor tricked me into ruling the realms with him, we have had this particular discussion as he refuses to allow me to do things on my own. He insists we act like a team, and although I concur most of the time, I do need some personal time. Deep down, I am a very private person and Thor is the only person who I allow this close to me – emotionally and spiritually. Most of the time, he lives in my mind, like I live in his, but sometimes the need to be on my own overwhelms me. Thor still hasn't learned how to cope with such an occasion. Instead of allowing me some time on my own, he watches my every step, like he is afraid I will vanish on him. I understand his fears, but that doesn't mean I approve of his behavior.

"Loki?"

Thor repeating my name reminds me of the fact that he actually asked me a question and therefore expects an answer. /_I know why you are the way you are. You worry about me and your worst nightmare is losing me. But Thor, I stand my ground. You need not worry all the time./ _The fact that I answered him in his mind, seems to please Thor as he graces me with a big smile. And damn, he knows I love seeing him grin like that!

_/Loki, you mean so much to me! You are not merely my mate, my lover… You are the mother of my child… You gave me the greatest gift possible – a son. I hold you in the highest regard and I love you more than life itself./_

Thor's words still touch me, even though he assures me of his love on a daily basis. I told him that he doesn't need to keep repeating himself, but merely speaking the words seems to make him happy. /_When I decided to accept you as my lover, I prayed that you wouldn't change your mind. I was afraid that you would grow tired of me and discard me./ _Thor is about to protest my words and I quickly silence him by resting my fingertips against his lips. "No, hear me out." Thor nods and remains quiet. "I don't open up to you often, and certainly not in the way you deserve, but I want you to know this." Thor nods again and wraps his fingers around my hand, parts his lips, and kisses my fingertips. He knows that this is hard on me.

"Thor, I expected the worse back then… And when I revealed my female aspect to you, you didn't seem to approve… You disliked seeing me like that and I know it took courage on your part to accept that part of me." This time Thor fails to remain quiet – I should have known he would speak his mind.

"Loki, I had to get used to you as a female, but I am glad I did. Because of that, I am a father now. Cariad is precious to me… More precious than anything else in the realms – expect for you, that is."

The romantic oaf kisses my fingertips again, almost managing to distract me. "Thor, back then I expected the worst… But what I never expected, what I never thought possible, is the unconditional love you have for me. At times like these, I can actually feel it in your mind – your love for me is… beyond words." The next admission is hard on me, but Thor deserves nothing but the truth. "Some days, I still feel like I don't deserve you… There are times when I truly wonder why you love me…" Thor buries my right hand in his and guides it to his chest – near to his heart. His other hand glides across my face, caressing it with such obvious affection that it makes my eyes swim.

Cariad has grown quiet during our exchange and watches me with large, wondering eyes. "Sorry, little one. You're too young to make sense of any of this…" Cariad's reaction is to bury his hands behind my neck and to press himself even closer to me. I understand why Cariad's love is unconditional, I gave birth to him after all, but…

_/Loki, stop it. Do not do this to yourself. Do not doubt yourself. I love you for who you are – I love every aspect of you – be it female or Frost Giant. I love you… and so does our son./_

I'm working on accepting that – still. Most of the time, I feel confident and I know that Thor loves me and that he won't leave me, but there are also those days when I can't bear to look at myself in a mirror. At times, I hate myself for being a fraud. My skin's natural color is blue; my eyes are red… This – my current appearance – is nothing but a lie – an illusion at best! I hate being a Frost Giant – I detest that part of me!

"Loki, this is who you are… I wish you would accept that."

It still amazes me that Thor accepted my inheritance so easily. Finding out about my true nature must have shocked him, and I study him, wondering how he reacted back then when he found out.

"Father told me," Thor says, reading the question in my mind. "I was not surprised – not really. I merely accepted the fact that you are a Frost Giant. It did not matter much to me."

"But why?" I always wondered about that.

"Because your inheritance is not who you are. You are you…" Thor's expression becomes apologetic. "I am not explaining this right… But Loki, I love *you*. You could have been a Dwarf for all I cared… You make me laugh… You challenge me… You care for me – you love me, and you have done so since the first time we met. Why should it matter to me what race you belong to as long as your heart belongs to me? You belong with me, Loki, like I belong with you…"

_/You're right; you suck at explanations, but don't worry, you got your point across./ _It's true - I understand Thor's perspective. I understand why my heritage matters little to him and I wished I could accept my lineage as easily as he does. But I find that hard - maybe even impossible.

_/Let us discuss this no more for today… Your son and I require your undivided attention, Loki…/_

I know what he's doing – distracting me- and I let him get away with it because I love him. It doesn't solve my problems though – it doesn't change the fact that I hate myself.

"You tell them!" Sif demands.

"Nay, you tell them. Go on, do it!" Fandral insists and gives Sif, who acts uncharacteristically nervous, an encouraging smile. "I will back you up."

I wish they would finally make up their mind. They have been at it in this way for thirty minutes and I wonder why Sif finds it so hard to tell us. I mean, it's rather obvious. Even Thor understands what's going on as my mate keeps grinning at me. "Just tell us!" I explode eventually, sounding harsher than I intended. Should I apologize? No, it appears my tone convinced Sif to start talking.

"Fandral and I decided… Well, he asked me…"

Sif gives Thor a pleading look, but my mate acts ignorant. I didn't know Thor was capable of manipulation!

"What did you decide? What did Fandral ask you?" Thor grins at both of them and shifts Cariad on his lap. Our son is tired and about to go to sleep, which means a few blessed minutes of peace for us. Most of the time he's aiming at our hair or Volstagg's beard. Cariad does like to pull stuff!

"Loki, you understand, do you not?"

Ah, she's trying to trick me, but I refuse to play along, as I want Sif to say the words. "I understand much, that's true," I tease her, "but at the moment I have no idea what you're trying to tell me." Sif's gaze shifts from me to Fandral and I'm glad I'm not in his shoes. Being married to Sif can't be easy. Fandral seems to finally take pity on her. He takes hold of her hand, buries it in between his, and rubs her skin.

"I asked Sif to marry me and she accepted."

I had hoped Fandral would propose as it's obvious they love each other dearly. "I'm happy for the two of you. Congratulations are in order then." Thor's reaction isn't as formal as mine though. He gets to his feet, deposits a sleeping Cariad on my lap, and promptly embraces Fandral, nearly suffocating him with that crushing hold of his.

"Well done!" Thor says, and grins at Fandral. "Loki had hoped you would propose!"

Sif's eyes widen as she looks at me. "You knew what I wanted to tell you and you let me embarrass myself?"

I shrug. "It was rather amusing to watch you struggle." She knows I'm not trying to hurt her feelings. Ever since Surtr abducted us and tortured me, Sif and I made our peace. A move which still surprises me. But I confided in her and told her about my pregnancy, and after that, Sif became awfully protective of me. Everything changed.

"You will never change, Loki," Sif says, but she says it with a smile on her face. "You are forgiven."

I incline my head in so called gratitude. "When will the happy event take place?" Knowing Fandral, he will insist on a proper ceremony, which is something Thor and I never had. We never had the time to follow any rituals.

"In one week!" Fandral announces proudly. "And we still need to ask you two more questions!"

Hearing that surprises me. "What do you want to know?" Thor exchanges a curious look with me, but I don't know what this is about either. Although Thor actually believes I'm all-knowing, I'm not. Far from it!

"Thor, will you stand at my side the moment I exchange vows? You are my best friend. You supported me when no else wanted to see me succeed as a warrior." Sif looks a bit embarrassed speaking those words.

But she has no reason to feel that way. She holds her own amongst the warriors and is highly respected all over Asgard. Isn't it odd that I want others to stop feeling inferior and can't make myself do it?

Thor rests a hand on Sif's shoulder and nods firmly. "I will be at your side that day. I am honored that you want me there." And he sounds proud for sure. Sif asking him must warm Thor's heart.

_/You do not mind, do you?/ _

Thor's question doesn't surprise me as he wants my permission to be there for Sif on that day. /_Of course not. How could I be opposed? I know how important your friendship is to both of you./ _ However, I must admit that there was a time when I considered Sif competition for Thor's love. That's in the past though!

"Loki?" Fandral coughs in order to get my attention, and once I look at him, he smiles brilliantly. "I would ask of you to do the same thing for me. I will be damn nervous that day and knowing me, I will create havoc. Will you keep me company until the moment comes that Sif and I exchange vows?"

His smile turns into a sly grin and I instantly grow alert, tasting a certain question in the air – one, which he doesn't want to voice, but can be read in his mind. "No, I won't do it…" Thor raises an eyebrow and a frown forms on his brow. "You don't understand," I chide my lover. "Fandral wants me to shift into my female form that day!" Thor's expression changes and shows amusement mixed in with understanding. "Fandral, I want to support you because I do consider you…a… friend."

Damn, saying it is still hard on me, but I'm working on it. "And you have my support, but I'm not shape-shifting!" I don't trust myself – not yet. I stayed in my female body for too long the last time I changed my form, and although I'm grateful I had Cariad, I refuse to take any chances. I don't want to end up pregnant again! The look Fandral gives me, tells me that he understands, and although that should please me, it doesn't. I hate it when I'm so transparent.

"I accept that, Loki, and I do not mind. Just having your support – and your friendship – means a lot to me… to both of us…" Fandral says warmly.

It doesn't happen often, but Fandral renders me speechless and I hate him for that!

"We will be there," Thor says, understanding what I'm going through. "Loki and I will support you." Thor turns toward me, covers the small distance that separates us, and curls an arm around my waist, also burying Cariad in a safe embrace by doing so. "Thank you…"

Sif and Fandral nod. He takes her hand in his and they head for the doorway. Before stepping outside though, Fandral turns his head toward me and winks at me. "Too bad though… I do love that look on you."

I know exactly what he's talking about, and although I should know better than to allow myself to be manipulated, I fail miserably. "Forget about it, Fandral!" There is no way I will assume my female form just in order to take away his nervousness. He wants to marry Sif, and he should deal with the nerves that go along with it!

"Finally… a moment of peace…" I draw in a deep breath, hold onto it for a moment, and then take great pleasure in sighing. Looking at my shirt, I find it wet with Cariad's drool. Hopefully he'll also drool on his current baby-sitter, Volstagg! "Your son drooled on me!" I inform Thor, who has been watching me for the last minute.

"Pray tell me, oh wise one... why is Cariad 'my' son when he does something to displease you, but he is 'your' son the moment you find him adorable?"

I raise an eyebrow at hearing that and turn around to look Thor in the eye. "A mother's privilege," I tell him dismissively. Not quite sure why, I make my way over to Thor, who stands next to a window and takes in the magnificent sight of the city eternal beneath us. I come to a halt in front of him and cock my head. "Something's wrong."

"Not wrong – not exactly," Thor says while his face briefly contorts. "I simply do not look forward to telling you."

"Telling me what?" My eyes narrow involuntarily as I study him. Thor feels distinctly ill at ease and I have no idea why. I could take the answer from his mind, but I would never violate his trust in such a way. Thor acts like he's gathering his courage and I wonder what is wrong. "Just tell me, Thor. I won't bite your head off."

"And you will not turn me into a toad either?"

Thor's tone is ambiguous; he sounds like he's joking, but I'm not sure he is. "I promise I won't turn you into a toad… Now tell me!" If he keeps stalling I'll end up in a bad mood and then Thor *will* be at the receiving end of my wrath – like he is most of the time.

"A Frost Giant named Leify has requested an audience with you. Apparently Jotunheim does not fare well…" Thor coughs in an attempt to cover up his nervousness. "A year ago a terrible storm ruined most of their cities and the Giants are dying…"

A year ago… I tried to destroy Jotunheim a year ago by keeping the Bifrost open. I was determined to kill the Frost Giants and to erase their existence from my memory. Thor stopped me back then and I fell into disgrace. I happened upon Fay and she saved my soul in so many ways. "I never gave that matter any thought – trying to devastate Jotunheim, that is." And why would I? I detest the Frost Giants and Jotunheim. I still pity the fact that I failed to eradicate that race!

"Loki…" Thor says in a remarkably soft voice. "The Frost Giants have a right to exist… Our father would never want to see them annihilated and you know it."

Unfortunately, that's true. Odin saved their unworthy lives too many times as far as I'm concerned. Then, I remember Thor's request. "I refuse to talk to him. If you want to talk to this Frost Giant, you can. I won't stop you, but don't ask me to be present!" I move away from Thor and turn my back to him. "I won't talk to him!" Thor won't be able to convince me otherwise!

"Loki…" Thor says, using that particular tone again. "You cannot run away from this. I will not allow it."

I spin around and glare at him. "Don't get involved, Thor, this is personal!" Thor sighs and then he turns 'that' look on, which is meant to me make me compliant. It won't work though! Not this time!

"Listen to me, please…"

Thor raises his arms and rests his hands on my shoulders. Holding me in place, the bastard. "I don't want to hear any of this!"

"I know you do not, but you must…"

I stare at him, trying to make him back down, but unfortunately Thor knows that I'm mostly bark and no bite – damn him for knowing me so well!

"Loki, you tried to destroy Jotunheim… Do you not agree that we should attempt to repair the damage you did?"

Thor flinches the moment he stops talking, knowing I'll interpret his words the way I want to, and that means, he's in trouble. "The world 'I' tried to destroy? The damage 'I' did? And who drove me to do so?" It's not fair and I know it, but I hate being reminded of what I did. Unexpectedly, Thor's hands shift to the nape of my neck and start to massage the tense muscles there. That move takes me aback and I simply stare at him. Thor doesn't speak; he merely gives me the time I need to come to terms with my misdeeds. Where would I be without his understanding and gentle support? "I'm sorry," I whisper at last. "I didn't mean it that way. I'm responsible for what I did and I can't blame you for that." But I tried, to my eternal shame!

"Loki, our father worries about the well-being of all realms. He cares for the Dwarfs and for the Giants. We can do no less now that it is our turn to rule. The Frost Giants need us… Loki, it cannot have been easy on them to send a representative here in order to beg for our support. Because that is what they know they need to do – to beg for your support… They know you will not give it easily."

I force myself to ponder Thor's words instead of lashing out at him again. Calming down, I realize he's right. For the Frost Giants to come here and request an audience is a humiliation in itself. "I'm not sure I can do this, Thor… I almost destroyed their world… I hate them still." Thor's right hand moves to cup my cheek and in doing so, manages to raise my head so he can make eye-contact. His eyes shine with compassion and the hope that I'll comply.

"This is your chance to shine, Loki. This is your chance to deal with your past and to rise above it. You are no longer the person you were a year ago. You have changed. Let them see that. Allow yourself to show them that you have changed – that you have become a better person… The person I love…"

Thor doesn't fight fair! "You have no idea what you're asking me to do!"

"You are right; I do not. I cannot imagine the pain you went through when you found out the truth about your inheritance, but Loki, I know the person you are today… And I have faith in you."

Bah, he did it again! "I hate you for being able to do this to me."

Thor chuckles. "For making you face yourself?"

I shrug. "You always upend my life and you do so easily!"

"Maybe that's because you allow me to do so… Loki, grant Leify his audience. I will stand at your side and we will listen to his plea – then we will decide what to do… Together… As a team…"

Rationally I know agreeing to Thor's proposal is the right thing to do, but my heart says differently. My heart tells me to run and to never stop running in order to look back – as I'm afraid of what I might find if I look myself in the eye.

"You requested my presence, why?"

I can't blame Sleipnir for being puzzled. Normally he doesn't attend any audiences, but I need him at my side right now. "I need your support, my son." The mere fact that Sleipnir stands next to me gives me strength. It reminds me of the fact that some of my deeds turned out for the better. I need to believe that I'm capable of good, and looking at Sleipnir, I might just believe it.

"You have my support – always…" Sleipnir says, still sounding rather mystified.

Looking about I'm grateful that Thor decided to make this a private audience. Odin lurks in the back, and so does Heimdall, but they won't get involved. They're here to observe, and if asked, to offer advice.

"I am proud of you for doing this," Thor says and places a hand strategically at the small of my back – making sure I won't run. "This will not take long. We will do whatever we can to aid Jotunheim and then we will return to our normal schedule."

Does Thor really think it will be that easy? Probably…

"May I introduce Leify to you, my lieges? Official representative of the Frost Giants and here to speak on Jotunheim's behalf." After speaking those words, the Captain of the Guard steps aside and allows for our guest to enter.

I steel myself against whatever impact this confrontation will have on me. I need to remain composed, after all, I'm King! Surprised, I stare at the person entering the room. I expected a tall Frost Giant, bearing blue skin and red eyes, but the person who approaches me looks nothing like that. He looks normal… like me, Thor, Sleipnir… He doesn't resemble the Frost Giants I have come to know – in no way at all.

He's of my height and where my hair is a black as coal, his is as white at ice. He's pale, his lips show a blue hue and his eyes show a swirling mix of white and grey. His clothes are a mix of white cloth and furs, wrapping him up in their warmth. Remarkable! Thor suddenly squeezes my back gently, probably trying to get me to react, but I'm truly stunned.

"Greetings, Leify, you are welcome here," Thor says eventually. "We will hear your case and we will help if we can."

Thor pokes me in the back again, more forcefully this time, and I want to hiss at him, but then remember where I am. I need to control myself. I stand at Thor's side for a reason – we both rule these realms and I need to act the part.

"Thor Odinson, I thank you for your kind words. I am grateful that you granted me this audience."

Leify's voice strikes me as pleasant and I instantly grow alert. It's a voice that implies you can trust the owner and that very fact makes me suspicious. Leify's gaze shifts from Thor toward me and I stand even straighter, as I don't want to show any weakness in front of this stranger.

"And greetings to you, Loki, son of Laufey…"

Although he's merely voicing the truth, I feel offended – deadly offended. I don't want anyone to remind me of my disgrace. "You're welcome here…" I grind the words through my teeth and they don't sound welcoming at all, but I couldn't care less. I never asked Leify to come to Asgard!

_/Loki, please behave yourself. I understand that you find it hard to deal with the situation at hand, but you are Asgard's King. You need to behave accordingly./ _

Like I need Thor to remind me! I know that! The difficulty however lies in facing the hatred I feel toward Leify and mostly myself. "Tell us why you're here and how we can assist you." Hopefully I sound composed and in control.

Leify smiles minutely and then bows his head. "Jotunheim is in need of your help… Jotunheim is dying and so are its inhabitants. The Frost Giants wither away and it will not be long before both our world and our people are no more. Therefore I have come here in order to seek your help, my King."

Something about the way Leify said that worries me. I can't put my finger on it, but I feel like I'm missing something. "Thor and I will see what we can do to aid you." Thor's thoughts brush against mine, conveying his approval and pride at me handling the situation so well.

"With all due respect," Leify says while establishing eye-contact with me. "It is not Thor's support we need. It is yours, Loki… Laufey was our King… And you are his firstborn… That makes you the legal heir to Jotunheim's throne. You are our King, Loki, and it is you – and only you – who can save our world."

_/I never saw that one coming…/ _

Thor casting that observation into my mind doesn't help. What I need is a way out, not a remark like that! "Leify, I have no desire to rule your world. You should chose a king from your own ranks."

"We cannot do that, my liege… You inherited your parents' magic and only said magic can undo Laufey's spells. Our world is dying, my liege. We need you to set right the wrongs Laufey did."

"You must be mad…" It's probably a mistake to speak my mind, but how can I remain quiet? "Leify, I rule in Asgard… I'm not your King!"

"I disagree, my liege," Leify says as he lowers himself onto one knee. "You are my King… You rule in Jotunheim… You are the only one who can save us and I pray that you will help us." Leify lowers his gaze and stares at the ground, portraying a perfect picture of devotion.

I'm about to shake my head and to free myself of Thor's hold so I can flee the room, but Odin steps up to me and looks at me sternly. "Don't make me do this," I implore him.

"Loki, like Thor, I raised you to be king. You are of Jotunheim's royal bloodline and you cannot change that. You are their King and you should face your duties, your responsibilities. It is not an easy life you lead, but you have the chance to make a difference. You can save your kin… You can save a dying world. Loki, the Frost Giants are my children too… I could never turn my back on them and I hope that you will rise to this challenge."

Probing Thor's mind, I realize he agrees with Odin; that doesn't surprise me. What 'does' surprise me, is feeling Sleipnir touch my mind. /_Yes, my son?/ _What does he want to tell me?

_/I have fought the Frost Giants alongside Odin many times… And I understand why you are hesitant to help them, but…tell me, is what Leify says true? Are you their rightful King?/ _

I don't want to think about that and I want to say the words even less. But Sleipnir is asking me a question and I owe him an answer. I can't lie to him – never – so I will have to uncover the whole truth. Instead of addressing my firstborn, I give into the impulse to sit down on the floor. That action causes Leify to react, much like I thought he would.

"My liege?" Surprise shows in his eyes and his voice sounds brittle all of a sudden.

"My son wants to know if you're speaking the truth. Am I Jotunheim's rightful king? Is there no other with such a claim?"

"None, my King… You are Laufey's firstborn. You are the only one entitled to rule Jotunheim!"

I still feel like he's hiding something from me. "What are you 'not' telling me?"

"Nothing, my liege!"

_/Loki, what are you doing? Get up from the floor will you? This is, after all, an official audience!/_

But I discard Thor's comment, hearing the laughter behind the words. He'll never admit it, but he likes it when I'm unpredictable – he told me once that that particular character trait attracts him to me. "Hypothetically speaking," I start, looking Leify in the eye, "If I were dead, who would ascend to the throne then?"

"Your firstborn, my liege…" Leify raises his head and singles out Sleipnir. "Your firstborn is your heir, my King."

Hum, so that backfired, since now Sleipnir is giving me a panicked look. "Let's assume Sleipnir is dead too… Sorry, my son," I address him apologetically and Sleipnir nods his forgiveness. "Who would rule Jotunheim then?"

_/Loki, I do hope there is a point to this questioning!/_

_/Patience, my dear, patience,/ _I chide Thor, knowing darn well that I'm calling him on his weakness.

_/But not for much longer, Loki!/_

So be it. "Leify," I say, addressing this Frost Giant once more. "Who would take the throne given that situation?" Leify, however, doesn't seem inclined to answer my question. "Answer me damn it!" Maybe all he needs is some extra persuasion!

"I would…" Leify averts his gaze and stares at the wall.

I blink in surprise. "Repeat that, will you?" Did he really say that he would be next in line for the throne?

"I would…" Leify says and sighs.

"And why is that?" Feeling the need to distance myself, I rise from the floor and stand in front of my guest. This time, Leify gets to his feet as well and finally answers my gaze. "Why are you next in line?"

"Because I am your younger brother, Loki."

The shock I'm experiencing makes it hard for me to breathe and all I'm capable of is to stare at Leify. Thor wraps an arm around my shoulders and I lean against him. "My brother? Are you saying that…?" I fail to finish my question as my emotions overwhelm me – emotions I never thought I was capable of.

"Aye, I am your brother, Loki… Rather young compared to you, and born because Laufey wanted an heir, but his plans backfired on him. For one, because you were still alive and therefore next in line for the throne and I… I turned out to be quite a rebellious son."

I feel like I'm walking on quicksand and with every word Leify speaks, I slip in deeper. "We should discuss this in depth… But not now… not here… Sleipnir, will you escort our guest to my rooms in the morning? See to it that he is fed and given a chance to rest." It's my way of getting some breathing space as well. Leify might not need time to think everything over but I definitely do!

I'm grateful that Volstagg's still taking care of Cariad, for it allows me to gather and sort out my thoughts. I sit down in my favorite spot on the windowsill and watch the city, so alive below me. It's hard to believe that I'm her King. Thor leaves me be for now and doesn't pressure me into talking to him. That's another thing I'm thankful for.

I have a brother… A younger brother called Leify. It never occurred to me that I could have relatives on Jotunheim and I never considered finding out. After I had set up and killed Laufey – why would I –the killer– ever set foot again in that accursed land? But Leify is nothing like I expected. For one, he doesn't look like a Frost Giant and secondly, he doesn't act like one either. I sigh, search for Thor's form, and find him seated on the couch in front of the fireplace. I get to my feet, make my way over to him, and stand in front of him. Thor raises his head, makes eye-contact, and resolutely pulls me onto his lap.

I comply, slide onto his lap, wrap my arms around his shoulders, and rest my head against his chest. Thor instantly completes the embrace and holds me close. The contentment which radiates from his mind makes me chuckle – it never ceases to amaze me how easily I can make Thor happy. Merely accepting his closeness and comfort is enough to make him feel content.

"Leify took you by surprise," Thor says, testing the waters.

"He did… I never thought about having kin in Jotunheim. Which is probably stupid, considering I *am* a Frost Giant."

"You are Loki… Nothing more, nothing less. You are what you want to be – who you want to be."

"I do love you, Thor…" How can he possibly know what I need to hear in order to feel more at ease? Thor gives me a brilliant smile and kisses me in a possessive way. I eagerly surrender – I want him to take charge; that way I can postpone any decisions I need to make. The lovemaking that follows is quick, but Thor is careful not to rush me. I tried to explain to him that I'm not fragile, but he doesn't listen; he treats me like I'm precious, and no matter how badly I push his buttons, he never loses control – unlike me. Climaxing, I give into the desire to bite him, and by doing so, draw a deep-throated growl from my lover.

Feeling spent, I rest in his arms and then raise my head so I can look him in the eyes. The look of love he directs at me still takes my breath away – even after a year he still looks at me like that. It's amazing that he still loves me – still wants me, considering I'm not the easiest person to live with, let alone be in a relationship with!

""What are your plans for Leify and Jotunheim?" Thor asks while caressing my face and moving some stray black hairs behind my ears.

"You want to leave that decision up to me? Do you think that's wise? I'm biased, you know." But that's Thor for sure – wanting me to make up my mind and to do what's right. He still believes in my capacity for good. I'm not sure I'll be able to prove his trust in me.

"You will do the right thing, Loki. I am convinced that you cannot turn your back on your people or on your home world."

I glare at him. I'm very much aware of the fact that he's manipulating me. That still surprises me as I hadn't noticed him influencing me before. Or maybe he always did and I never saw through it. "Thor, you must realize I hate Jotunheim. It's the very reason why I wanted to destroy it back then." Thor however shakes his head.

"You hated what Odin did to you – that he lied to you. That he withheld the truth from you. Odin's manipulation caused you to lash out in such a way. It is not because you hate the Frost Giants. Loki, you do not even know them!"

I hate it when Thor's right. I misbehaved back then because Odin's lies had hurt me. Maybe I should try to prove that Thor's trust in me isn't completely misplaced. "Council me then… What do you suggest I do?" Thor's smile turns even more radiant – I didn't even think that was possible!

"I would advise you to take your rightful place as Jotunheim's King. Set the world to right – if you can, and then return to me. Loki, you do not have to live there… You can rule Jotunheim from here."

I should have known he would suggest something like that. "Thor, the last thing I want to do is to go to Jotunheim. I tried to destroy it. You don't really believe that they will receive me with open arms?"

"Well, Leify is here, is he not? That should tell you something. They have need for you… And although I need you too, I understand that you need to take charge in Jotunheim. If the situation is really so severe that the Giants are dying, that their world is dying, you need to go there."

I press my lips against his, kiss him, and slide my fingers into his hair, showing him how much I love him through touch. Thor pulls me even closer and answers the kiss with a passion that tells me how much he loves me. I find it hard to end our kiss, but eventually I do. Thor's right – I can't run away no matter how much I want to. Neither can I ask him to go to Jotunheim in my stead – this is something only I can do. "I'll talk to Leify first… I'll reach a decision after that." It's the best I can offer.

"Sounds like a good plan… Let Leify tell you about your home… Maybe it will change your perspective!"

"I doubt that…" But Thor is right. I need more information before making a decision.

TBC

Part 2

I still feel apprehensive about this upcoming meeting. Thor thinks that I'm doing the right thing, but I'm not so sure myself. A knock on the door announces the arrival of our guest, and I compose myself, standing perfectly straight and erasing all emotion from my facial features.

_Relax, Loki, everything will be fine._

I hope Thor will be right, but I won't believe it until I see it. "You may enter." The door opens and Sleipnir is the first to enter our chambers. I decided to talk to Leify in our private quarters, far away from the throne room. Sleipnir gives me a smile, which tells me that he feels comfortable in Leify's presence. I hadn't thought my son would accept the Frost Giant so easily.

"Mother, I bring you Leify… I did as you bid, I saw him fed and he has rested."

"Well done, thank you, Sleipnir." I use every chance I get to praise my son, knowing only too well that I can never make up for the time we lost. From the corner of my eye I watch Leify and find him smiling as well. Apparently he likes the way Sleipnir and I interact, but damn it, it's none of his business! I need to stop feeling so hostile though if I want this to work!

"Please, sit down," Thor says, quickly saving the situation. "Would you like some wine?" Sleipnir guides Leify to the couch closest to the fireplace and both of them sit down.

"Wine?" Leify considers Thor's question. "It has been many years since I last tasted wine, so aye, I accept."

Leify's an enigma as far as I'm concerned and I've never excelled at hiding my curiosity. "You don't strike me as a regular Frost Giant; neither appearance nor character wise." Thor pours Leify a glass of wine and he also offers Sleipnir some, but my son declines. Smart move. You don't want to end up intoxicated during a meeting like this. Leify doesn't seem to worry though.

"I agree, my liege. I am not a typical Frost Giant." Leify sips, but then stops drinking. Instead, he steals a glance at me. "What do I need to do in order to convince you to help us?"

I must admit that I like his direct approach – the thing is, I don't know the answer myself. "Tell me about yourself," I say eventually. "You don't resemble any Frost Giants I've met before. Oh, and please stop calling my 'my liege'." I'll never grow used to hearing it.

"As you wish…"

But Leify seems conflicted and I wonder why. "What's wrong?"

"I do not think it is necessary to waste your time with my personal story. Would it not be better if I informed you of our people's needs and the state our world is in?"

It's rather obvious that he doesn't want to share his personal story and I'm not the only one who picked up on that. The looks Sleipnir and Thor give me tell me they realized the same thing. "I insist you tell us your personal story first. It's one of my conditions where this negotiation is concerned." I just made that up, but no one needs to know that.

"If that is the case, you leave me no choice…"

Leify seems distressed and I want to know why; my curiosity is killing me and not even Thor resting his hand on mine in an effort to calm me can stop me from finding out. "What happened?"

Leify sighs, sips his wine, and then places the glass aside. "I reckon I should start with where it all began; with the prophecy."

"What prophecy?" I know I'm terrible at hiding my excitement, but I don't care. At the moment, all I care about is learning more of my history and kin! Leify's expression is grim and sad at the same time and I can tell that he finds it difficult to share his tale.

"Our grandmother told me what happened, as I did not witness any of it myself… I can assure you though that she would not lie…"

Leify looks like he would prefer to run away, but he stays and continues his story. I'm glad he does, because I want to hear it all… And a grandmother? I have a grandmother? I can't help but wonder if she's still alive!

_Loki, you shall find out, if you let him continue, _Thor chides me gently. I know that, but I find it hard to remain quiet!

"It started twenty years before you were born. An old woman came to our court… She was not a Frost Giant, but back then, hospitality was still offered to every traveler… Laufey had just ascended to the throne and did not have the time to corrupt his followers yet. Life in Jotunheim was still rather peaceful at that time."

"An old woman? And she wasn't a Frost Giant?" I don't know why, but hearing this alarms me.

"Aye, we offered her a seat at the King's table, and she accepted - said she would pay for her meal by telling us a story. You might not believe this, but Frost Giants are extremely curious by nature."

Damn, I feel caught. Curiosity is one of my worst vices. "Continue." I refuse to comment on the rest. Thor however grins broadly at me- I manage to ignore him though.

"She spoke of a prophecy – that a child would be born to our King, and that this child would possess special powers. The boy was destined to be King… And not just of Jotunheim."

"Can it be that she was talking about you?" Thor asks, rather taken with the story.

"Does it matter?" Why did he have to interrupt Leify's tale? "Go on…"

"Laufey disliked hearing this. He had just been named King and had no desire to make way for his son. So when the day of your birth came, he took you to the temple and left you there to die, hoping the deed would stop the future from taking shape in the present."

"And that is where our father found you!" Thor exclaims, enthralled by the tale.

"Aye," Leify confirms. "Much later, we learned that Odin had taken you with him. What had happened divided our people. The old Frost Giants disapproved of Laufey's actions and felt they were unworthy of a King. The younger ones supported Laufey and were glad you were gone. The rift continued to grow throughout the ages. Laufey reacted by locking away all the female Giants beneath a lake of ice, hoping to control his people that way and it worked. But he forgot that without any females, there cannot be any newborns."

I must confess that this tale surprises me; I never expected to hear anything like it.

"Eventually even Laufey realized he was growing old and that he needed an heir. So he released our mother from his spell and forced her to give birth to another child… me. Laufey was a hard King to please… I never thought of him as my father… he never showed me any love or even affection. I grew up, believing I was heir to the throne and that I would rule Jotunheim one day. I was trained and groomed for that one purpose… Laufey grew enraged when he finally realized who you were… He wanted you dead, but he never excelled at scheming—not really."

I shrug. When I offered Laufey the chance to murder Odin, he took it. Laufey could have opted for killing me instead, but he went for Odin in the end. Who knows, maybe I was next on his list!

"In the meantime, I uncovered much of the truth. I learned of the prophecy and what Laufey had done to you. Then, I realized who the real heir of the throne was and I was relieved. I never wanted to rule Jotunheim and certainly not in the violent way my father preferred. I confronted Laufey with what I had learned and demanded he reinstated you as his heir. He refused and grew enraged…"

Leify grows quiet and the distant expression in his eyes tells me he's not really here with us. To a certain extent I can relay to him – I vividly recall the day I realized Thor was going to rule Asgard. I remember sabotaging his coronation by showing the Frost Giants a way in to Asgard.

"Magic runs strongly in our family… It is in our blood," Leify continues and looks me in the eye. "Laufey's magic was strong…I have never heard of any of his spells being undone by another magician…"

"He cursed you…" I add, realizing what Laufey must have done. "He cursed you…"

"Aye, he did," Leify admits in a sad voice. "He said I was unworthy of being a Frost Giant and that I should spend the rest of my miserable life in another form… He stripped me of my powers as a Frost Giant. This is no disguise, my liege, this is who I am today. Laufey bound me in this shape… I shiver when I am exposed to the cold… I lack the power of a Frost Giant… I can no longer manipulate the weather like a Frost Giant can. My mind is still mine, but this body is foreign to me."

I hadn't thought it possible, but I feel sorry for him. It's obvious that he never wanted to live his life this way. "I'm sorry," I offer softly.

"This curse can never be undone, my liege, not even by you. Throughout the years I have come to terms with leading this life, but I doubt I will ever fully accept it." A tear leaves Leify's eyes and he quickly wipes it away. "When Laufey died and you ascended to the throne, our world grew hopeful. We hoped you would be a better ruler than Laufey. We hoped that you would come to Jotunheim and claim your birthright… but you did not and then disaster struck."

Ah, this is the part I'm not looking forward to because I'm responsible for Jotunheim being wrecked in such a way.

"We do not know what happened, but destruction descended onto our world. Buildings, mountains, ruins, everything was blown to pieces. The ice shattered, killing a large number of Frost Giants in the process. When the storm ended, our world was ruined. Jotunheim was beautiful once; I know that because our grandmother told me, and now, it is a living hell."

When I opened the Bifrost and made sure it stayed opened, I never considered the consequences. I just wanted Jotunheim annihilated!

"You possess the Heart of Ice, my liege. By using it, you can set our world to rights."

"Heart of Ice?" What's Leify talking about? I exchange a look with Thor in order to find out if he knows what Leify is talking about.

"Are you referring to Laufey's box?" Thor asks.

Ah yes…. Laufey's box… I always felt drawn to it and I used it when guiding Laufey into Asgard.

"Aye, you call it that. To us, it holds the beginning of life as we know it – the holy Ice Crystal. Only you can wield it, my liege, and if you are willing you can save our world from destruction."

"Loki, what happened to that box? You had it, if I remember correctly?"

I'm thankful that Thor didn't say "you had it when we fought". I did have it…But after it had served its purpose I returned it to the vault, where it should still be. I share that thought with Thor who nods approvingly.

"Do you want me to fetch it?" Thor offers.

I quickly shake my head as I don't trust myself around it. The power it radiates will easily corrupt anyone who wields it for too long. I felt those stirrings when I used it. "Not right now…" I turn my attention back to Leify. "So correct me if I'm wrong, but you're basically asking me to take that box back to Jotunheim?" The risk of actually doing so is immense. What if the box falls into the wrong hands – mine, for example!

"Aye, you are right… You are the only one who can wield its power… You are the only one who can save Jotunheim from destruction. You are our last hope… That is why the High Council sent me here – to plead with you and to convince you to help us."

If I'm their last hope they're screwed. "Leify… I can't give you an answer right now. I need to think about it… Discuss it with Thor." I will need his advise in this matter!

"As you wish, my liege… I will wait…"

"Didn't I tell you to stop calling me that? My name is Loki… And if we're truly brothers I won't have you addressing me in any other way than by using my name." I'm still working on the fact that we're related!

"I will do my best… Loki…"

When he speaks my name, his eyes start to swim again. I do hope he can keep back his tears. "I will give you my answer in the morning. In the meantime, rest."

"I will find it hard to rest, but I will try… My heart worries for Jotunheim's well-being."

Leify would make a much better King than me, but the only way for him to ascend to the throne is for Sleipnir and me to die and I don't plan on dying any time soon!

Now that we're alone again, I allow myself to rest. I sit down on the windowsill and watch the city's activity. Asgard is alive with life, while Jotunheim is dying. One can call it poetic justice that Leify reminded me of my horrible deeds. I wanted to destroy Jotunheim and every living Frost Giant with it. Now it seems I might have succeeded after all.

"Loki?"

Hearing Sleipnir's voice surprises me as I assumed he had left with Leify. Looking about, I realize it's Thor who left instead. Sneaky bastard – he knew I wasn't ready yet to talk to him so he made sure Sleipnir stayed behind instead. Maybe I should start to give Thor more credit - apparently he has taken to using his brain lately.

"Sleipnir… Come sit with me." He sits down opposite me and looks at me in a pondering way. "This concerns you too, as you're my heir… You must believe me when I say that I didn't want to involve you in any way…"

"Do not worry about that… But aye, I would like to talk to you about this situation."

I nod in understanding. "We should discuss this. Apparently you're my heir and therefore you'll inherit Jotunheim's throne one day. I'm sorry about that…"

Sleipnir blinks. "Why should you feel sorry about that? You did not choose your parents… You were born into this life without any choices… Much like me you had to cope with the hand you were dealt."

Sleipnir leans in closer and covers my right hand with his, gathering it in between his. "I'm still sorry…" I whisper softly. Sleipnir however, shakes his head in order to show that he doesn't agree with my apology; he finds it unnecessary.

"Loki, what will you do? You cannot turn your back on them and let them die. You cannot allow their lands to wither away. Not when you have the power to stop it."

"Why are you so passionate about a race you fought all your life? Sleipnir, the Frost Giants… They're aggressive and dumb and I can't think of a single reason why I should save them!"

"Loki, why do you hate them so much?"

That's the main question, isn't it? The only one I need to answer, but I'm not sure I can. Sleipnir moves even closer, slides his arms around my shoulders, and rests his brow against mine. I'm tempted to close my eyes as his expression is quite intense, but I force myself to maintain eye-contact.

"Although, should the question not rather be, why do you hate yourself so much?"

I close my eyes after all, unable to withstand his probing look. "It's a long story, Sleipnir."

"Mother…"

Hearing him address me in that manner makes me look at him again. I'm so damn proud of my son. I cup his cheek in the palm of my hand and smile at him. "You're the living proof that I'm capable of good…"

"You are not evil… You need to stop telling yourself that. You are a force of good now…"

"If only it were that easy…" I lower my head and averse my gaze. "It's my fault that Jotunheim is dying. I forced the Bifrost to stay open so it would destroy the Frost Giants. I wanted to eradicate them… Wanted them to cease existing!"

"You are no longer that person. You have changed. You need to forgive yourself for what you did back then. Thor forgave you… Odin did… and I did too, but Loki, you need to forgive yourself as well…"

"I can't… It's not that easy…"

"Then make amends, Loki…"

Sleipnir rests his hands on either side of my head and forces me to look at him. I don't want him to look at me. I don't want him to see my shame – my guilt.

"Make amends, mother… Go to Jotunheim and do whatever it takes to save their world. You are their King… You heard Leify. You are the only one who can save them. This is your chance to make amends! Don not shrink away from that responsibility! Rise above it… And if you do not wish to rule Jotunheim, name me your representative and I will act for their well-being."

Sleipnir's offer amazes me. "Why would you do that? Go into exile…" Because that's what it appears like to me.

"Loki, during my entire life, Odin told me what to do. I fought at his side, I kept him safe. I always had to follow orders… I never thought I would get the chance to help one day… if I can make a difference in Jotunheim, I will gladly go there and help them survive."

At times I can barely believe Sleipnir is my son. He's my complete opposite. "I love you, my son…" Shyly, I kiss his brow and then pull him into a hug. "If saving Jotunheim means that much to you I'll try my best restore their world. I can't make any promises though – I don't know if I'll succeed."

"But you will have tried – and that is what matters, Loki."

Sleipnir has become my conscience and for that I'm grateful. "What would I do without you?" I need Sleipnir in my life like I need Thor. I can't live without either one.

"Do not think about that… You have me.. I am here and I do not plan on leaving you – ever."

Instead of answering Sleipnir verbally, I pull him against my chest and hug him close. I can't recall a time when I felt so thankful in my life, but these days, I have many things to be grateful for.

That morning, I make the decision to go to Leify in order to talk to him, instead of summoning him to my rooms. If I'm going to help, I'll do so on my terms.

"I am proud of you… I knew that you would make the right decision…"

Thor caught me before I could sneak out of the door and now holds me close. The look he gives me speaks of love and trust, and is almost too much to bear. I still feel like I don't deserve his devotion. "Don't get your hopes up. I'm not sure I can actually make a difference."

"But you will try," Thor says proudly.

He kisses me goodbye and I move away from him. If I get lost in kissing him it might be a long time before I can tear myself away from my lover. "Take good care of Cariad," I tell him on my way out. Thor nods, and Cariad, seated against Thor's hip, chuckles happily.

The royal guards bow and open several doors for me. I told them to stop doing that, but they refuse to obey me, saying it is their duty, and an honor to do so. I signal the guard at Leify's door not to open it yet. I want to pay Leify due respect and knock.

"You may enter…"

How odd, a second voice joins Leify's… Does he have company? Opening the door, I should be surprised to see Sleipnir already present, but I'm not. Sleipnir has shown great interest in this matter and I can't blame him for wanting to talk to Leify.

"Good morning," Leify says and inclines his head in respect. "I did not know you would visit so early… I had expected to be summoned to your rooms instead."

"Morning, mother," Sleipnir says and gives me a wink.

Don't mother me, son… We'll have a little talk later as I want to know why you're in Leify's rooms at such an early hour!

"Did you reach a decision, my liege?"

I raise an eyebrow and wait for Leify to correct his mistake.

"I am sorry… Loki… Laufey did not take it well when I forget to address him properly." Leify avoids my gaze and looks at a blank spot to his right.

Do I want to know what Laufey did in order to make Leify obedient? Maybe one day, but not right now. I notice the hopeful look Sleipnir gives me and know I can't disappoint my son. "Yes, I did… I'll accompany you to Jotunheim to see if I can help. I won't make any promises though… I've never tried to heal a world before. I'm only good at destroying them!"

"Thank you, my…. Loki!"

Leify's looks like he's about to embrace me, but that's something I won't allow. I don't know him well enough yet – brother or no brother. "As I said, I'll try, but don't expect too much." Sleipnir makes his way over to me, wraps an arm around me, and hugs me briefly.

"I knew you would not let us down…"

Us? What's this about? Why is Sleipnir talking about 'us'? Did he befriend Leify already? Does he consider himself part Frost Giant? But why would he? But then again, Sleipnir is a wondrous creature. "We'll leave within the hour." Now that I have made up my mind I don't want to stall. I had better get this over with!

"I will be ready," Sleipnir whispers into my ear.

He managed to surprise me again. "You want to come along?"

"I belong to the royal family of Jotunheim and apparently I shall rule that world one day. I should get to know my home, do you not agree?"

When he phrases it like that, I can't find anything wrong with it, though I wonder if my son has some kind of hidden agenda!

"I think you should take Sleipnir with you instead of me."

My eyes widen and I spin around at hearing Thor's words. I stare at him in utter disbelief. "You can't be serious!" It never crossed my mind to leave Thor behind!

"I am serious, Loki… This is a personal matter. This is something you need to do in order to convince yourself that you are a changed person. And honestly? You do not need me to accompany you. You are perfectly capable of dealing with the matter yourself."

I cock my head, study Thor closely, and try to stop the rage from building further inside me. "You'd desert me?"

"Nay! Never!" Thor shakes his head and advances on me. _But Loki, please understand. You have been given an opportunity to show who you are – who you have become. I do not want to stand in your way. I have the utmost faith in you! _

_Why can't you be honest and simply admit that you don't want to support me in this matter? _I can't help feeling betrayed. I had counted on Thor to support me through this. My stay in Jotunheim will be hard on me and I need him at my side!

_I will always be at your side, Loki. I am only a thought away. The moment you call for me, I will join you in Jotunheim. This is not about me not wanting to support you. I vowed to support and love you every day of my life and I do not plan on forsaking my promise to you. But Loki, you need to see for yourself that you are so much stronger than you think. I truly believe that you need to do this by yourself. I cannot be your crutch… I do not want to serve in that capacity any longer – especially when you do not need me. You are so much stronger than you think. You are so much smarter. Loki, what would I be without you? Utterly lost! I need you to understand that…_

_That's a lot of nonsense and you know it! _I walk away from him, cross my arms in front of my chest, and am determined to ignore him from now on. How can he possibly think I can do without his help?

"Loki, I did not mean to offend you although I feared you would react this way."

Thor places his hands on my hips and turns me around until I'm facing him. I refuse to look him in the eye though as I still feel betrayed!

"Loki, I will accompany you to Jotunheim if that is what you want, but I think it will be a mistake to do so. First because *you* are their King, not I… Furthermore, you need to decide what to do with Jotunheim. You must decide about their future. I can advise you, but the decision will eventually be yours."

In my heart, I know Thor's right. I can't use him as a crutch much longer. I've been doing so for the last year. Although my self-confidence has grown, I still hate myself for being a Frost Giant. Thor is right to make me face those feelings, but I find it hard to agree to it.

"I know that this is difficult for you," Thor continues as he caresses my face. "But you can do this, Loki. I wish you would understand just how much you have changed. You no longer need to stand in my shadow –you shine brilliantly on your own."

"Brilliantly?" I must react to that… Thor knows me well and is aware it'll push my buttons. "I shine?"

"Radiantly…" Thor confirms and kisses my lips. "If only you could see that too."

"I'm not sure I ever will…" I can't repress a sigh and lean heavily against him. "I'll do as you ask. I'll take Sleipnir along on this visit… But promise me this…" Thor gives me a knowing look – already aware of what I'll ask of him.

"Aye, I will join you the moment you need me. I will never let you down…"

I wish I had Thor's faith in me… I don't think that will ever happen though!

"We will not be returning through means of the Bifrost?" Leify gives me a puzzled look.

"I prefer to travel in a different way." The truth is, I try to avoid travelling using the Bifrost, as it always reminds me of the mistakes I made. "We'll travel using the paths between the worlds. Don't worry, it's actually safer than traveling by the Bifrost." I look at our small party; Leify, Sleipnir, and I will travel to Jotunheim – just the three of us. Odin asked me to take along an escort as the Royal Guards seem concerned about my well-being, but I declined their offer. I'm perfectly capable of defending myself and Sleipnir if necessary.

"You are not taking the Heart of Ice with you?" Leify sounds concerned speaking those words.

"Not yet…" I need to establish the Frost Giants' true motives first and I refuse to deliver such a powerful weapon into their hands. "Fetching it will only take seconds," I assure Leify, who looks desponded.

"Are you certain you do not want us to accompany you? I would feel safer if you did."

Fandral's words make me smile, as they remind me of a time when he couldn't have cared less about my well-being. Maybe Thor is right and I need to accept the changes I'm going through. "I'm certain, my friend. I'll call for you, should the need arise."

"Do not hesitant to contact us," Sif says resolutely. "You attract trouble, Loki, and do you not dare to deny it!"

I'm not sure I like Sif being so protective of me, but I reckon I can't blame her. Not after what we went through together during my pregnancy. "I promise I won't hesitate," I tell her with a smile, hoping it will settle her nerves.

"You will do well," Thor says as he walks up to me and grabs my hand. "You will restore Jotunheim to its former splendor. I have faith in you."

_I know you do, _I tell him telepathically. "I should go now…" Or else I might reconsider.

"Take care…" Thor says and embraces me tightly. "And return to me quickly."

"Of course… Look after Cariad for me…" And while directing my gaze at the four warriors standing close, I add, "And I trust you will look after Thor for me."

"We will, my King…" Hogun says in a respectful tone.

I never managed to figure him out… I let it go, as I have more important matters to focus on. I raise my hand in goodbye and then concentrate on opening and finding the gateway that will take us to Jotunheim. I do hope I made the right decision by accepting Leify's invitation. If it's a trap, they will find just how pissed off I can be!

Feeling shocked, I stare at the waste land that surrounds us. When I visited Jotunheim the last time, it was already a dark and gloomy place, but now it also breathes an air of despair. Buildings, which were still standing back then, have crumbled, and the earth has opened, revealing large craters. I reckon that is where the beam of the Bifrost struck with all its vengeance.

"Welcome to your realm, my King, though I must admit it has become a dreadful place." Leify sighs deeply and tears appear in his eyes. "Only a few dozens of Frost Giants are still alive, but even those are fading, dying slowly."

I might have underestimated the severity of the situation… I had no idea Jotunheim was this close to the brink of destruction. Surprised, I notice the stirrings of remorse that rise from the pit of my stomach. I had no right to murder this world.

"This way, my liege… The remaining Frost Giants eagerly await your return. Our grandmother is also eager to meet you… I do hope she survived this long. She felt weakened when I left."

While Leify heads the way, Sleipnir falls into step next to me. He reaches for my hand and I wrap my fingers around his in turn.

"I did not know it was this bad," Sleipnir whispers in an emotional voice. "Mother, this place is dying!"

I can't deny the truth to that observation. Sleipnir is right; Jotunheim is dying. "We'll do what we can to help."

"This way," Leify says and signals for us to turn right.

I remember this place… I have been here before. When Thor took off to challenge Laufey, this is where we met the Frost Giant. This is the spot where we fought. The hair at the back of my neck stands rigid, warning me that we have got company. From the shadows, Frost Giants step forward, but they don't resemble the creatures I encountered back then. Their skin color has darkened further and has turned black. Their eyes are no longer red, but turned into a swirling grey. They tremble and stumble forward, finding it hard to walk in a straight line.

"As I said earlier, they are dying."

Leify's expression speaks of utter despair and I can't blame him. His race is dying… The fact that Laufey cursed him and that he's no longer a Frost Giant saves him from withering away, but it can't be easy to watch your kin die. Suddenly, the Frost Giants, or what is left of them, go down on one knee and incline their heads toward me.

"Hail Loki, King of Jotunheim."

Even with their voices combined they sound immensely weakened, and to my utter surprise, I feel choked up. I find it hard to breathe and realize just how much this affects me. I hadn't expected to feel this way.

"Loki… You returned to us…"

The voice is that of a female, and when I focus my attention on her, I see a Frost Giant who's about to crumble in front of me. She's small and long, white hair covers most of her body. Her eyes are blue and her lips tremble, as if forming words, which they can no longer pronounce. My heart goes out to her and I curse Thor for making me so weak hearted. It's only because of Thor that I'm capable of experiencing pity in this way.

"Loki… You are the son of my son and I welcome you to Jotunheim. Now that you have finally returned all will be well…"

I don't agree with the faith she has in me, but I can't rob her of that illusion. "You must be my grandmother."

"I am Lokasenna , your grandmother…"

She tries to kneel as well, and acting impulsively, I move forward in order to stop her. "Please don't… It's not necessary." The moment I touch her, a strange shock moves through me and I can no longer deny we're related. I feel her in my mind.

"Have you come to help us? Did you bring the Ice Crystal with you?" Lokasenna asks in strangled voice.

I might not have a choice and will have to return to Asgard in order to fetch it seeing the state the Frost Giants are in. "How will it help restore Jotunheim?"

"The Ice Crystal came into existence millennia ago. It is the heart of a dying star and by using it, you can release its power. You can shape Jotunheim all over again… You can restore it to its original state… Our world will change, but for the better… You will free my sisters, who have slept beneath the ice for too long… Together, we can give new life to our race…"

"How am I supposed to do that? I have no idea what Jotunheim originally looked like!" This is madness. She's asking me to orchestrate the rebirth of a world!

"Trust yourself, Loki… Those memories are deeply embedded within your mind. The moment you connect with the Ice Crystal, it will recognize you."

I'm not sure I like the sound of this, but looking at this dying world I know I might not have a choice. "If I do this…"

"You are our King, Loki… Eventually it is your decision whether we live or die…" Leify steps forward and supports our grandmother as well. "We are not trying to trick you, brother…"

It's the first time ever he calls me that and it awakens a strange feeling inside me. Why must everything be so damn complicated?

"No tricks, brother," Leify continues. "Assembled here are the last remaining Frost Giants… We have been reduced to this… The others died in the storm last year. We hardly pose a threat to anyone… We merely wish to live out our lives in a dignified way…"

Probing his mind, I find his words true. This is all what is left of their people – my people? Sleipnir appears next to me and looks at me. I don't need to touch his mind in order to know what he's thinking. Even my son wants me to do this.

"Should you decide against restoring our world, Loki, then have pity on us and end our lives.. We do not wish to wither away like this… We have seen too many relatives die…" Lokasenna 's voice shatters while speaking that last word.

It's up to me then – just like Thor had said. I need to make a decision and I need to listen to my heart in order to reach the right decision. Can I truly damn them to this wretched existence? Can I kill them? Or do I restore their world to them?

_You know what to do, Loki… Do it… There is no need to hesitate. _

Thor's words flow in my mind and I know he's right. I know what I need to do. "Wait for me here… I'll be right back." Fetching that box will only take seconds.

"Thank you… brother…" Leify says and more tears appear in his eyes.

I wish he would stop crying… And now Lokasenna is shedding tears as well. I quickly ready myself to travel the astral pathways again and to return home to Asgard. Appearing in the vault, I'm not surprised to find Thor there.

"You reached the right decision, Loki… It is the only decision you could make… You are no murderer. You could never condemn them to death."

Why must Thor always know best? "I'll heal Jotunheim and then I'll come home… I have no desire to stay there!"

"You cannot know that yet… I talked to Odin and he told me about Jotunheim's original splendor… The world you see today has nothing in common with the way it was so long ago. You might even like it there."

"I highly doubt it…" I reach for the box, which comes to life beneath my touch. The blue light illuminating it from the inside instantly grows stronger.

"I will see you soon…" Thor says and then takes a step away from me. "Now stop stalling and fulfill your destiny."

I'm already on my way back to Jotunheim before he finishes speaking those words.

Darkness wraps itself around me like a suffocating blanket upon my return to Jotunheim. The scene in front of me hasn't changed. Leify still supports our grandmother and the remaining Frost Giants are still kneeling. Sleipnir hurries over to me and glances at the box in my hands.

"You brought the Ice Crystal with you," Lokasenna whispers in a fatigued voice. "That is good…" She closes her eyes and crumbles in front of me. Sleipnir moves toward her, and together, Leify and my son lower her onto the craterlike ground.

"What do I do with it?" Looking at the damn box, I feel its pull and I fight it as hard as I can.

"Leify… you know what to do… I am too weak," Lokasenna says right before closing her eyes.

"Will you stay with her?" Leify asks of Sleipnir, who instantly nods.

Leify then gets to his feet, walks toward me, and comes to a halt in front of me. "I need you to close your eyes, brother."

I'm not sure I can do that. I need to see what's happening around me.

"You can trust me… I know that this is difficult on you, but I would never betray or hurt you. You are my brother, Loki, and all my life I have hoped that this day would come."

Leify sounds sincere, but then again, he might be a master manipulator. In the end, I go against better judgment and close my eyes. "Now what?"

"I want you to remember who you are, Loki. I want you to feel the magic that flows through your veins. You need to remember its origin. This world was forged out of fire and ice… We need both in order to restore it… Your fire… Your ice… You command both…"

I did always wonder why a Frost Giant like me felt drawn towards fire. It's my favored element and Leify is right – it's at my command. Involuntarily I lose myself while listening to Leify's voice, which has taken on a hypnotic stance.

"I need you to remember our world the way it once was, before our father corrupted it. Search deep within yourself and you will find the memories you are looking for. All Frost Giants posses this knowledge and so do you."

I hate admitting it, but Leify's right. I'm starting to see Jotunheim the way it once was. This wasn't a dark world when it was born. Four golden suns illuminated the skies and warmed the earth beneath the snow. Ice covered the lakes, but it was only a thin layer, enabling the snow fish and ice sharks to punch through it in order to draw in air.

"You see it… You remember…"

Leify's right… Jotunheim's changing… The golden glow of the suns warm my face and a light breeze moves my hair about, teasing it and luring it into motion. The ice turns into thinly powered snow and blankets the earth, warming it further. All kinds of animals appear, leaving the shelter of the snow covered forests to frolic in the warm sunlight. Buildings made from ice-like glass rise around me and their peaks reach for the heavens, which have turned azure.

"Loki…" This time it's Lokasenna addressing me and not Leify. "This is the world I have grown up in… Do not stop now… Bring back my sisters… please…"

The magic I'm wielding reacts to her words and catapults my mind toward a sea at the other end of the land. The water is still thickly frozen and I fight hard to strengthen the suns' rays. When I finally succeed in doing so, the ice melts, revealing a hundred frozen faces beneath the surface.

"My sisters! Rejoice, for Laufey's spell has been broken!" Lokasenna calls out to them and I can't help strengthening her. I'm no longer in charge of the Ice Crystal and that frightens me, but at the same time, it wraps me up in a warm sense of belonging which causes me to cease my resistance.

When the female Frost Giants arise from the water, their appearance stuns me. Their skin isn't blue… Their eyes aren't red… They don't radiate the hostility I have seen in the past. Their skin is as white as snow and their eye color resembles the ice I shattered on top of the lake only moments ago. Their long, silver hair descends down their backs and they're smiling – happy to be released from their sleep.

Too late I realize that the Ice Crystal draws on my strength as well, and I'm growing weaker. I want to fling the accursed thing far away from me, but I can't seem to release it. On the verge of panicking, I open my eyes and look at my hands, knowing they will have turned blue, revealing my true heritage. But when I look at them, they're white…

"Loki… you did well, brother…"

Leify's voice draws me from my trance and I fall to my knees. Hands quickly support me and I manage to stay upright.

"Thank you… Thank you, brother…"

Raising my head tires me, but I need to look at Leify. When I do, I realize he isn't alone… A large group of Frost Giants has joined him. I blink, trying to rid myself of any spell I might still be under, but their appearance remains unchanged. Where Leify looked out of place once, he now fits in perfectly, as the other Frost Giants look like him. Even Lokasenna has changed; I recognize her mind though when she kneels in front of me. She is young again – how odd.

"You enabled our rebirth… Thank you, Loki…"

She takes the box from my hands and I'm stunned to find I can actually release it. She sets it aside and rubs my fingers between hers. "Thank you for facing your fears…"

I find it hard to focus though; wielding the power of the Ice Crystal drained me.

"The Ice Crystal…" she mumbles and then looks away from the box and towards me. "Only one who opens his heart can truly wield it. The Ice Crystal is merely the catalyst… Without a noble soul to guide it, it is blind and your heart has proven to be true… Rest now… You deserve it."

I can no longer keep my eyes open – neither will I be able to stay awake much longer. But before I give into exhaustion, I send out the call… I need Thor at my side and I need him now!

When I wake up again, I still feel drained. Moving about hurts, so I lie still instead. Reaching out with my mind, I feel relieved at sensing Sleipnir's and even more importantly, Thor's presence. They're here with me – I'm not alone!

"Of course I am here… I would never desert you, Loki…"

Hearing Thor's voice makes me feel relieved and safe. I try again and succeed in opening my eyes. Thor's to my right and caresses my hair. _I'm so glad you're here._

This time you surpassed yourself, Loki…"

I'm not sure I like the sound of that. _What did I do? _

"You should see for yourself… Let me show you…"

Thor gently pulls me upright and I lean against him, wondering what he's referring to. Then I see it. We're not in Asgard… I know that much, but everything looks so magnificent – so pure… so… white?

"Apparently this is the way Jotunheim looked in the beginning of time… Your grandmother told me… Look out of the window…"

Using the little strength I have left, I manage to raise my head and look out of the window. The world that greets me on the outside is white, but the golden glow to it warms my heart. Bright red birds soar through the blue skies and leave behind burning tracks.

"This is an amazing world, Loki…"

Drawing my gaze away from the outside, I study the room I'm in. Made from transparent ice, it reflects not merely Thor's appearance, but mine as well. I blink, feeling rather stunned. My appearance has changed as well; my hair's white, my eyes blue, and my skin possesses the same golden snow-like quality I see when looking at the lands. _What happened to me? _

"Is that not obvious, child?"

Lokasenna approaches the bed I'm resting on. I can't believe the sight I'm seeing. She looks like a young girl and ice crystals are woven into her long white hair. The blue dress she wears adds to her glow, and when she sits on the bed next to me, the thing that strikes me the most is the warmth in her eyes.

"You changed Jotunheim… You allowed for it to be reborn… And since you rule these lands, since you are King here, you had to be reborn with it…"

I have been reborn? That might explain my changed appearance. I'm not quite sure I approve of my new look though!

"It suits you… I like you this way…"

Thor knows exactly what to say – again. _Thank you, but I might prefer my normal looks instead._

"You cannot change your appearance while you dwell here, child," Lokasenna says. "Your heart has become entangled with this world… You cannot hide here… It is not necessary for you to hide here… You saved us… Every Frost Giant speaks and thinks of you with the highest respect."

A look at Sleipnir tells me that my firstborn hasn't been affected by the spell and I look questioningly at Lokasenna who seems to hold most answers.

"Your firstborn is not our King yet… The day your son ascends to the throne, the land will claim and bond with him."

"May I enter?" Leify appears in the doorway, but looks rather apprehensive. "I do not wish to intrude."

"You are a part of this family…" Lokasenna says. "You have every right to be here."

I don't protest her decision as I believe she is right. It also leads me to believe that I have found someone I would entrust Jotunheim to should Sleipnir reconsider. Lokasenna is old and wise enough not to repeat the mistakes Laufey made. Leify approaches, but timidly. I can't help but notice how perfectly he fits in now. _When Laufey cast that spell, he unknowingly transformed you back to the way you were supposed to be… _Leify gives me a stunned look at me casting those words into his mind, but then he nods. Isn't it ironic that all is well now? How can that be? My gift is for death and destruction – not for restoring life.

"I knew you would surprise yourself," Thor says in that smug way of his. _Tell me, are you ready to believe that you are a force for good now? Can you forgive yourself for what you did in the past? Do you understand that you are a different person today?_

_You might be right… _It's hard to think differently, considering I just restored life to Jotunheim. Surrounded by my new family, I realize Thor is right after all. I *am* capable of good and should forgive myself for my mistakes. _I'll work on I, _I promise him. I might need some time getting there, but something tells me I will.

Epilogue

"Admit it, Loki, you have come to like Jotunheim."

I chuckle at hearing Sleipnir's brilliant observation. Turning around I ask, "What gave me away?"

"I cannot recall ever having seen you smile that much – especially considering Thor went back to Asgard some days ago. And yet, you remain happy."

Sleipnir is right of course – I'm falling in love with Jotunheim, something I thought would never happen. But then again, this world differs greatly from the one I knew in the past. The serene silence, the beauty of the snow and the ice that surrounds us possesses a special calming effect. When I wake up in the morning, it's because snowbirds are chasing the firebirds along the balcony, and sometimes, they even invade my rooms, chirping and screaming out their joy at being alive again. "I can't deny that I like Jotunheim."

"So do I… In some ways it reminds me of Asgard, but there is a purity about the snow that I never encountered before."

"Is your mind still set, my son? Do you really want to remain here and rule in my stead?" Lokasenna assured me that the Frost Giants would welcome Sleipnir's rule, as he is my heir. And as Lokasenna herself said that she would keep on an eye on Sleipnir, I'm inclined to allow my son to stay.

"My mind is set. I want to know more about the Frost Giants and their world – our world – it is breathtaking. Each day spent here is a blessing."

I find myself agreeing to his statement. Although I long to return to Asgard and my family, I'll also miss Jotunheim. Knowing Thor though, I reckon we'll visit Sleipnir shortly. "In that case, I wish you the best of luck ruling this realm."

"May I enter or am I interrupting?" Lokasenna remains near the doorway and waits for an answer.

"Please, grandmother, feel free to join us." I wonder about my family… Lokasenna resembles a young maiden, and yet she is much older than me!

"Thank you, my son…" Lokasenna walks up to us. "Leify told me that you wanted to talk to me?"

"For two reasons, yes… Sleipnir has made up his mind and will stay in my stead… As my heir he'll rule Jotunheim. I trust that won't cause any problems?"

Lokasenna smiles warmly. "I already discussed the matter with our people and all Frost Giants will welcome him as our ruler. Your firstborn will act in your stead, and all will obey him and pay him respect."

Good, now that is out of the way I want to ask her something else – something more personal. "I want to ask you something about that old woman who visited Jotunheim and prophesized my birth. Did you meet her?"

"Aye, my son. I sat to her right that night."

"Good… Can you describe her to me?" I do hope I'm wrong about this, but I need to make sure!

"We did not have many visitors in those days… So I remember her quite vividly. She was of my height, and I am small for a Frost Giant. As you have noticed, that is a family trait mark. She had green eyes and a rather intense expression. Her hair was long – black mostly, but there was also some red in it. At first I thought it was blood, but it was just her hair color. She wore red robes and a black cloak… Her voice was bewitching, especially when she sang – most Frost Giants present that evening fell asleep listening to it, except for Laufey and I… We listened to her song, and although we could not understand the words, the song moved us."

I would really hate being proved right in this matter, but I'm afraid I know where this headed. "Did she tell you her name?" Do I really want to know the answer? Do I really want to know about her illicit scheming? And knowing she manipulated me right from the start?

"Aye, she told me… But only me, as she did not want my father to know. She did not trust Laufey… She was very wise."

"Her name… please…" I need it… I need to know the truth.

"She called herself the Morrighan… She said that she was a traveler between worlds."

Sleipnir gives me an alert look at hearing that name, but I merely release a deep sigh, as I had been expecting to hear it. So she was already weaving her web back then. Had she not fed that prophecy to Laufey, I wouldn't have been left to die in that temple. Odin wouldn't have found me and I would never have met Thor – at least not in that way. We would have been bitter enemies to the end. Instead, I ended up being Thor's mate and sharing Asgard's throne. I should probably feel grateful, but at the moment I'm too dazed to truly understand my feelings.

At exactly that moment a raven flies into my bedroom. It settles down on one of the posts of the bed and taps against the ice with its beak. "Nuada…" The raven croaks a greeting in turn and looks at me with his beady eyes. She's still watching me then – Fay's still around. Against all odds, that thought helps me calm down. Maybe having her on my side isn't that bad at all. After all, my life changed for the better ever since I met her. _I forgive you your scheming… _I send my thoughts out into the realms, knowing she'll hear them. I'm not quite sure though if she'll answer me.

_Well, thank you, my dear… especially considering the fact that I played a major role in getting you where you are today – King of Asgard and King of Jotunheim, mother to Cariad and Thor's lover… I'm entitled to a little gratitude, am I not?_

I can't help myself and grin. Yes, I reckon she's right. _Thank you… And now stop meddling with my life!_

_I can't promise you that, Loki, but I'll try to behave as long as you don't get yourself into trouble again!_

_Oh, trust me, I'll stay far away from trouble. _I have too much to live for these days – Cariad, Thor, Sleipnir, and now I can add Lokasenna and Leify to that list as well. Yes, I have a lot to feel thankful for…

The end


End file.
